reassurance for those pre-therapy nerves

If you're feeling nervous or anxious about starting therapy, you're definitely not alone. In fact, I've been there myself. I first tried to go to therapy when I was at sixth form, after several months of getting up the courage to contact a counselling service. When the day of my appointment arrived, I spent the whole journey to the counselling centre feeling sick to the stomach with nerves. I got there way too early. After pacing around in front of the building for a while, I approached the door, got this close to ringing the bell — then turned around and went home. It would take me another six years to actually attend my first session. 

I've had years of therapy now, much of it as part of my training to be a therapist. But I haven't forgotten how anxiety-inducing the prospect of therapy can be. This post offers some reassurance in response to the most common worries people have when they're thinking about starting therapy.

What if my problems aren't serious enough for therapy?

​This is what made me turn away from therapy all those years ago: I thought my problems were a bit silly and self-indulgent, that they weren't worthy of a therapist's time, that other people were more deserving and more in need. (In hindsight, these beliefs were a reflection of my low self esteem and evidence of why I was very much in need of therapy!). It's common to have thoughts along these lines, both before and during therapy. But from my perspective as as therapist, whatever you bring to a session as a client is worthy of both my time and yours.

Therapy is your space to discuss, explore, sit with and process absolutely anything you want to. You don't need to have a diagnosed or diagnosable mental health condition. You don't need to "go deep" every session (or at all). You don't need to be sure what it is you're struggling with. And you don't even need to be struggling at all — sometimes therapy can be about enhancing an already good life and celebrating the positives! If you think you might benefit from talking to someone about what's going on in your life, then that's reason enough to give it a go.

What if I don't know what to say?

I work in a person-centred way, which means that I follow your lead rather than asking lots of questions or providing a structure for therapy sessions. So this is a common question from potential clients!

Some people like to prepare for sessions in advance and bring in some brief notes to remind themselves what they want to talk about. Some people like to sit for a bit and reflect on how they're feeling, then start talking when they're ready. Other people just go with whatever's on their mind. 

In my experience, even clients who are unsure about this way of working surprise themselves with their ability to get going. If you're struggling, I can offer prompts to help you find your words. We can also sit quietly together if that's something you need or appreciate (but I won't leave you sitting there for ages in an awkward silence if it's not for you!).

What if I start crying?

It's absolutely OK to cry in therapy sessions, that's why therapists always have tissues on hand! We're trained to be with people who are distressed, and we can also support you with any difficult feelings or discomfort that come up in relation to crying. It's also fine if you never cry in therapy: everyone responds to things differently.

Will the therapist judge me?

Counsellors and therapists often claim that they're not going to judge you, but how do you know? I can't speak for other therapists. But personally I find that because I focus so intently on trying to understand clients from their perspective (i.e. on empathising with clients), there is very little room for any negative judgement to come in. It also helps that I approach each person from a stance of compassion, rather than a desire to assess or theorise about my clients.

I spent considerable time during my training educating myself about people who are different from me and I continue to do so as part of my professional development. This supports me to be open to and accepting of all kinds of people with all kinds of experiences. And if I do find myself judging a client in some way, I recognise that this means I have some work to do on myself! I'll figure out what that is and explore the issue in supervision (where I discuss my work anonymously with an experienced therapist) to ensure that I can continue to work effectively with that client.

Personally, I don't think any therapist can claim that judgement never, ever seeps into their work. What matters is the therapist's intention not to judge, the work they put in to remain as non-judgmental as possible and - crucially - how clients then experience that therapist. If you're feeling judged by your therapist, you might feel able to bring it up with them and resolve the situation in a way that is beneficial for you, depending on how they respond. But other times it may be a sign that the therapist is not right for you. Trust your gut!

What if the therapist can't cope with my problems?

Some clients worry that their issues and emotions will be too much for the therapist to handle. Or that the therapist will experience them as a burden. If you're worrying about this before or during therapy, remember that therapists have chosen this job: we're here because we want to be with people who are experiencing difficult things. Sometimes it's hard, but ultimately we enjoy it! We're also trained to manage the impact of the work: we have self-care strategies, we seek support from supervisors and peers, we take time off to avoid burn-out and we develop resilience as we become more experienced.

If you feel able to, it might be helpful to explore your concerns about being too much or a burden with your therapist: this could lead to some productive therapeutic work relating to how you see yourself and your relationships with other people.

It may well be that a particular therapist does not feel sufficiently skilled or experienced to support you with certain things. If you have an introductory call and/or initial session with me, we'll talk about what you want to address in therapy and I'll make sure I have sufficient information from you to decide whether I'm able to work with you. If I feel like I'm not the right therapist for you, I'll let you know and recommend alternative therapists where possible. 

Therapists get nervous too!

Finally, it's worth remembering that your therapist may very well be feeling nervous about the first session too. Even with my training and experience, I still feel those "meeting a new person and wanting it to go well" nerves before a first session with a potential client. You may find that talking about your nerves at the beginning of the first session helps you to connect with your therapist!

It's totally normal to feel anxious about starting therapy, and I hope this post has offered some reassurance if you are. If you're considering therapy with me, I'm always happy to have a chat on the phone or answer questions via email so you can allay any fears and make an informed choice about whether to go ahead. Click here to get in touch. Or you can just book an initial session without a call if you prefer. This initial session is a chance to get a feel for how I work and figure out whether I'm the right therapist for you. There's no obligation to book in again if I'm not.